Spouse Betrayal Trauma
One of the traumas that can be sometimes disregarded in society is Spouse Betrayal Trauma through infidelity. This goes beyond feeling hurt that your spouse had an affair or hid a secret life from you. This impacts the hurt grieving spouse similar to PTSD symptoms. Some have reported they feel as if they are falling in a never-ending abyss and pushed there by the very person they trusted the most. The trauma impact increases due to it affecting not only their present time, but also their hoped-for future and perceived past simultaneously.
Betrayal like no other
This betrayal can take many forms, but it commonly involves trust violations, secrecy, and a breach of the fundamental emotional and relational commitment. The numerous layers of deception create profound rifts in the foundation of the relationship. It is a betrayal like no other. One reason is that up until an affair (or other hidden secret life) was revealed, the hurt spouse thought they knew their entire life story with their partner. They had no idea there was a hidden aspect to their lives together and the cord of trust which had connected the two is torn. This can cause many betrayed spouses to question everything about life, about themselves, and others. They can feel that if they can not trust their own interpretation of what is "real" how can they know what is real? Since they are unsure of their own interpretation of what the truth was in the past, this can make it difficult for them to feel safe trusting anyone in the present or future. (Book Reference: Living & Loving after Betrayal, Steven Stosny, PhD)
Understanding the Impact
Spouse betrayal trauma is a deeply painful and emotionally devastating experience that can leave lasting scars on an individual's mental and emotional well-being. I understand that infidelity is one of the most heart-wrenching and disorienting experiences a betrayed spouse can endure. The emotional turmoil and confusion it brings can be overwhelming, making it an incredibly challenging crisis to face.
Seek Support:
Betrayed spouse: You do not have to navigate this turbulent journey alone. Reach out to trusted friends and family members who can provide emotional support. Their empathy and understanding can be invaluable during this difficult time. Consider seeing a therapist is specializes in betrayal trauma. A therapist can help support you with kindness, compassion and empathy every step of the way.
The Role of Therapy: Therapy, especially individual therapy, can be a crucial lifeline for betrayed spouses. Here's how it can help:
1. Providing a Safe Space: One of the primary functions of therapy in the aftermath of infidelity is to offer a safe and non-judgmental space for individuals to express their thoughts, feelings, and fears. Therapy provides a sanctuary where you can share your deepest vulnerabilities without the fear of being labeled "crazy" or "insecure." The presence of a supportive and empathetic therapist can make all the difference in your healing journey. At KindWorks Counseling, we are dedicated to creating a safe environment where you can confront the reality of infidelity without judgment.
2. Understanding Your Emotions: Discovering infidelity brings a whirlwind of emotions—anger, sadness, guilt, shame, and confusion. A therapist can guide you through these feelings, validate your experience and help navigate your through the grieving process.
3. Rebuilding Self-Esteem: The experience of infidelity can profoundly impact one's self-esteem. You may find yourself feeling inadequate, unlovable, or unworthy. In therapy, we focus on rebuilding your self-esteem, reminding you of your inherent worth. We help you recognize that your value is not defined by the actions of others. You are deserving of love and respect, and therapy can be a powerful tool in rediscovering your self-worth.
4. Learning Coping Strategies: Therapy equips you with effective coping strategies to deal with the aftermath of infidelity. Coping with betrayal can be overwhelming, but with the right tools and guidance, you can develop healthier ways of managing your emotions. You'll learn how to navigate the rollercoaster of feelings and find constructive ways to address the pain and confusion.
5. Navigating the Future: Ultimately, therapy helps you navigate the future with confidence. It's about creating a new life that incorporates the reality of infidelity, while recognizing that growth and self-honor are still possible. The goal is to let go of the past and embrace a brighter future. Whether you choose to reconcile or not, therapy supports you in understanding that you cannot undo what has happened, but you can choose not to be defined by it.
Betrayal by a spouse is an incredibly challenging experience, but it does not have to permanently define your future. Through individual therapy, self-care, and the support, you can rebuild your life, improve your mental well-being and create a healed brighter future. Remember that healing takes time, and it is essential to be patient and gentle with yourself. Seek professional help, lean on your support system, and trust that you can emerge from this ordeal as a stronger and more resilient individual. Your well-being matters, and with the right guidance, you can find the path to healing and recovery.
References
Haney, J. M., & Hardie, L. (2014). Psychotherapeutic considerations for working with betrayed spouses: A four-task recovery model. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy, 35(4), 401-413. https://doi.org/10.1002/anzf.1073 Living and Loving after Betrayal: How to Heal from Emotional Abuse, Deceit, Infidelity, and Chronic Resentment by Steven Stosny (*This book is free on Audible if you have a membership. Full disclosure: I receive no funding to recommend this book)
About the Author - Counselor Keri Aschoff
Keri Aschoff, founder at KindWorks Counseling, is dedicated to helping adults and adolescents through a whole-body integrative therapy approach to heal emotional wounds from their life's hardships and traumas. She specializes in transforming adversity into hope and healing. Specific areas of expertise are trauma (including betrayal and medical/illness), C-PTSD, Chronic/Serious Illness (especially dysautonomia/POTS/EDS) and Borderline Personality Disorder.
Keri is a self-professed neuro-science research nerd who loves to use her free time to read the latest research and deep dive into additional training to help her clients even more effectively. She is EMDR trained, certified Clinical Trauma Professional, and currently pursuing her PhD in Health Science Trauma Informed Care at Liberty University. She also integrates DBT, IFS parts work, somatic therapy, polyvagal theory, and Structural Dissociation Model in her work.
Keri Aschoff, LPC-Associate, NCC 929-777-5463 (KIND)
Helping clients in-person Katy & Cypress Tx and online throughout Texas
American Counseling Association Member
The American Association of Christian Counselors Member
Supervisor: Jackeline Hurtado, LPC-S - License Texas 65735
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Psychology Today Profile: Keri Aschoff
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